Last Thursday I had one of my worst days as a therapist. I still can't express exactly why it ended up being as bad as it did, but I can think of at least ten things that contributed. As I was driving home, I started flipping through radio stations as NPR just wasn't doing it for me. Before I realized it, I was singing along to Michael Bolton's version of "When A Man Loves a Woman." When it was over all I could do was laugh at myself for the serious misstep. I have NEVER been a Michael Bolton fan, even during my sketchier music days that included Milli Vanilli, Vanilla Ice and even (gasp) Backstreet Boys. (Look at all the confessions coming out of me today).
While listening to cheesy music is the least of my concerns, it reminded me of a serious lapse in judgement that lasted over a year. I was working on my master's in the USA, stressed out to the maximum, scared of living the rest of my life away from my family, and therefore hanging on to a long distance, and very unfulfilling relationship. So what did I do? I finished my master's, started my Ph.D. in my hometown, and tried to "work" on this dead-for-a-year relationship. It shouldn't have come as a huge surprise to me when I was blindsided and the relationship was over... but I was! All I could think about was why I had let myself get in to the position that I was in. I had given up the opportunity to pursue a Ph.D. in a program that was more suited for me, but more importantly, I had lost a huge sense of who I was in staying in that relationship. One of the hardest parts for me was admitting that I wasn't nearly as "with it" as I tried to come across. The good news is that I got back on my feet, met some great friends, had valuable time with my family, and decided to take a bigger risk that was in my best interest. I dropped out of my program, moved back to where I had gone to school, and started working full-time in a residential treatment facility. There are small moments when I question myself, but I believe that I made this choice when my mind was clear. It wasn't a "Michael Bolton" decision, those choices that are clouded by a myriad of emotions.
I have started to notice a trend that my Michael Bolton's seem to be more frequent when I am fearful, frustrated or sad. I'm curious if this is a universal phenomenon. Do we fall prey to poor choices when we feel similar emotions or do we each have unique triggers? Do some people make their poorest choices when they are happy? People in manic states, which is on the extreme end of excitement, often engage in high risk, damaging behaviours. So readers, if you don't mind me getting personal, what seems to cause your Bolton moments? And more importantly, why did Michael himself hold on to that awful mullet for so long? That was a SERIOUS lapse...
11 comments:
aislinn. great post. that was oozing with catharsis.
it's so ironic that you have turned bolton into a word. ange and i in new york mutually decided that we were going to used "bolton" do denote something "revolting." like, "oh man, look at those sock and sandals, so bolton."
this must be a universal truth.
as far as my triggers of bolton esque behavior. it's usually when i'm lacking real perspective. i'm completely focusing on what is instant, what is present, and what at the moment i "think" will make my life better.
one of my favorite sayings by one of the bretheren (probably swk) goes something along the lines of "the greatest source of misery in this life is when people exchange that which they want the most, for that which they want at the moment."
i think that's true, and i think you can find some of that in your life's example aislinn.
i'm trying to get on a path where i'm focusing on happiness down the long road, not instantaneous gratification.
I make minor Bolton moments all the time. Mostly just because I am stupid and often impulsive. I suppose in my past I would have primo Bolton moments when I was feeling insecure.
Reading this post stirs up all these hostile big sister feelings I've been supressing the last few months. I thought I had gotten over wanting to exact revenge on that asswipe ex-boyfriend of yours. But apparently not. They were just temporarily pushed to the background.
So you are a therapist, tell me: will I ever get over wanting to lay a beating on the guy who did my sister wrong? And is there something seriously wrong with my wiring that I can't forgive him even though you have?
These are questions that my daughters future ex-boyfriends might want answers to.
mr. clark, aka david, i find great amusement in the three of us latching on to bolton... but what definition shall we keep? perhaps bolton is just a name that should be stricken all together (see John bolton). maybe there are "john bolton" and "michael bolton" moments... but i digress. i can say that great minds think alike. i appreciate your thoughts, and would agree that short-term thinking can ,and has, hindered my long term goals.
ms. kaz, your great strength is your incredible loyalty, which can also interfere with your ability to just "forget it." forgiveness? likely. soon? perhaps not. i forsee your ass-kicking desires will diminish more and more as you see me continuing to settle in to a good life. nothing's wrong with your wiring. your just a most excellent sister.
and for you daughters' sake, let's hope the three of them have more sense to kick those kind of boys to the curb (which is highly probable if they know their mom may come lack the smack down on them)
my husband's blog(dear diahorrea) led me to popscoff, which in turn led me to right of way, and i have frequently found the posts interesting, which brings me back time and time again. i feel almost voyeuristic getting to know someone i don't actually know. but maybe its different if i know someone that knows someone that knows you...?
anyway, i had a sort of bolton moment a while ago when i found myself truly admiring a crafty framed drawing of a chicken. it was one of those you would see in a home where the entire decor changes with the seasons...this particular picture would have been in with the rustic red colors of the fall. it's the sort of thing that i usually either don't take notice of or barf at.
The bolton moments are great, and the name stirs up many feelings of detest. My favorite part is mskaz use of ass-wipe. it has been while since i have heard a good rendition of ass-wipe. maybe i will write a song... and make it all about those bolton moments... when i turn into an ass-wipe... you know, just momentarily. a societal ass-wipe... no... more of a passive aggressive ass-wipe. have i exhausted ass-wipe yet?
so elisabeth, what do you think caused the bolton chicken slip? i appreciate that you come back again and again. i have to admit that your blog makes me feel sheepish. your such a voracious reader and it reminds me that since the summer, i've been rather lazy in my mind enhancing activities...
graham... asswipe song? when will it grace your blog? feel free to use my story, but i will require copyright priveleges
most of my time is spent with my children so i think reading is my way of experiencing a kind of adult conversation that i don't otherwise get. oh and i also have a hatred for most television but i still need some kind of wind-down at night before bed.
oh and the underlying reason for my chicken slip? i'm blaming it on nostalgic emotions linked to chicken decorations. a friend of my parents' had chicken decorations all over her kitchen. i would stay over at her house sometimes when i was a little girl and i really liked them then. i hadn't really thought of it until you asked.
i was there elisabeth when you found the chicken and i admit it wasnt that bad, but i also have been known to argue about which brand of sweetened consedenced milk tastes the best. i'll NEVER admit that I'm not a punk anymore, but it's pretty obvious to everyone else and utterly delights my parents (which makes me resent them even more.) hey i think i need an overthehill popstar to blame my non-punk conformation on, but i'll have to use someone a little cooler, like neil diamond.
speaking of lapses in judgement....i've been on and off with a guy for the past 18 months or so. he really doesn't treat me well.hangs with me when its convenient etc. i finally said i was through in May, but he's been calling, writing the past couple of months. I agreed to meet up with him, hang and spend the night at his place this week and felt horrible after i said okay. A couple of days ago, i finally said "no, I'm going to do something else that night." i feel better about it, but fustrated about lapses of judgement. :)
ahhh ruby g... welcome to the bolton club. it totally bites in the short term, but feels so much better in the long run. good for you for shedding your bolton!
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