(This is filed under TMI-too much information. I don't know why I am opening myself up like this but I am)
Life has been busy but good. For the first time in years I feel like I am in a good place. Last year was one of the darkest years of my life and it had absolutely nothing to do with my dating life. I know a lot of my past experiences had piled up but I wasn't blue because there was no man in my life. All that was obvious to me was that this dark cloud seemed to follow me everywhere. I was a walking, talking human Eeyore. Now the sun has come out, the clouds have departed and I can breathe again.
This brings me back to the title. I am single. I am loving being single. I spent too many years in my twenties feeling the pangs of being dateless. I analyzed what could possibly be holding me back. Was I pretty enough? Did I talk too much? Was I too faithless so my prayers weren't listened to? All of this eroded my self-esteem and I started to actually believe all the bullshit I told myself. Today I can look at myself honestly and fairly. I can be critical, talk too much and question every last thing, but I'm rather funny and a good listener. I can look in the mirror and truly believe that "I look cute today." I really am starting to like myself. The more I like myself, the less desire I have to be married or have children. This is where my current dilemma has hit. I grew up in a religion that focuses on family. The family is central and what we should all be striving for. I believe in family. I love my own family. They are the world to me. I know the family unit is so important in our society... and yet, I don't feel the pang for it like I once did. I go to church and people talk of their desire to start their own family. Friends tell me "I wish you could find the right guy." Some friends even talk to me about their own discouragement that marriage hasn't happened yet. I hear my lonely friends and I empathize with their plight, but sigh with relief that it's not me. Then my already over-analyzing brain goes in to overdrive. Am I fooling myself? Is this a way to protect myself from feeling the pangs of loneliness?
The sting hits sometimes, like the night I listened to Regina Spektor sing "Samson." I thought of how lovely it would be to hold hands with a fine fellow who loves me, listening to beautiful music. But the thought left as quickly as it came. I am open to this marriage idea. I would never turn away a handsome, funny, kind and loving man. I also know I will be okay if I don't. I have started dreaming again. I love my dreams.
But I don't know how they fit with the the notion of family... my own family. I don't want reassurances that it will all work out and I'm not soliciting comments for "you go girl, be happy being single." I'm trying to verbalize all these thoughts that go through my head. I'm trying to balance religious beliefs with current feelings. Can I truly be happy being single? Am I being selfish? Am I protecting myself?
I don't know. Time will tell. I do know that I never want to let go of how I feel now. I love that my smiles are genuine again. Laughing has never felt so good. I love myself, now that's something to brag about.
Christmas in Canada
7 years ago
12 comments:
There must be something to this year because I have gone through a similar transformative experience. I am learning to love myself and be comfortable in my own skin. I say learning because, while I do love myself, it is something that I can always improve upon, learn about and refine.
I won't lie, I still have moments of feeling alone. I think that is only natural. However, I remind myself that for years I would be completely lonely while I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. The difference is a state of mind.
What I find interesting about this experience for me is that it came as I left the singles wards and found a place in my family ward. It was as if I was owning up to my reality and acknowledging that I am the sum of many parts and being single is only one of those parts.
i realy like that sara! i transition next year to the family ward, and i think that has been apart of it too... it's like a new transformation or change. thanks for your comment. it rang true in so many ways.
I totally relate to this post. I had an answer to a prayer and the result of that has caused this year to be one of the toughest yet for me. That being said, its been a purifying year.
I've been shedding my old skin, and trying to focus on the things that are important to me, the things that make me happy.
As for marriage, or sure I'd like to be married, but I can honestly say I wasn't ready in my 20s. If I get married, then that'll be great, but if I don't--I don't want to have any regrets in this life.
Anyway, the past year I've really grown up in a lot of ways, and I've got a purpose, goals and dreams. I like this me.
Wow! That was brave. I'm really happy for the head-space you're in.
thanks for sharing sherpa! it's nice to shed old skin.
rocky, i'm happy too! thanks for your support through all of this.
Aisy - you don't know me but I'm a friend of Cindy's and that's the round-about way of letting you know how I came to read your post. I wanted to thank you and Sara and all your thoughts. I'm in the same boat and as I have now breached the 30 barrier I feel as though I'm just beginning to see what "I'm all about" and getting comfortable with me. Maybe I wasn't ok with looking at myself in a loving way in my 20s.. who knows. But in reading your post I felt a sense of comfort and peace. I'm not all about answers and I know that some things truly are outside of my control - but I appreciate knowing that there are fabulously intelligent and articulate gals out there who I can identify with.
So, thanks.. you and Cindy have made my day.
meredith, thanks for stopping by and writing such a fabulous comment. i don't know cindy personally... sort of a friend through a friend thing, but i wish i did. the 30s are so refreshing, aren't they?
Hey I have this guy I'd love to set you up with because you really ought to be married by now.
Bwahahaha... just kidding.
I'm glad you found your happy place! And you know, just because you get married doesn't mean you get to hold hands and listen to music together because your husband might have terrible taste in music and shoes no matter how good a husband and father he is. At least that's what I've heard. Ha ha.
I don't think you are being selfish or protecting yourself. I think you are living your life in the moment, which is a great place to be.
thanks danner... guess i'm holding out for good shoes and good taste in music. ha ha
Good taste in cars trumps music any day.
It is because you are annoying. Just kidding, it's because you are bad at Scrabble.
Ais,
I just popped in on facebook and saw you have a blog. I really liked what you said in this post. I think that we are as happy as we want to be. I'm glad that you are happy. Marriage is always thrown out as sort of the end all be all state for LDS people even though it is far from it. Marriage is hard and stressful and rewarding and blissful just like any other relationship or job or whatever. I have come to cherish my many single and married friends and that is what is most important. Now if I could just get my brother Andrew to the same stage you are at....
Cheers!
Mark
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