(This is filed under TMI-too much information. I don't know why I am opening myself up like this but I am)
Life has been busy but good. For the first time in years I feel like I am in a good place. Last year was one of the darkest years of my life and it had absolutely nothing to do with my dating life. I know a lot of my past experiences had piled up but I wasn't blue because there was no man in my life. All that was obvious to me was that this dark cloud seemed to follow me everywhere. I was a walking, talking human Eeyore. Now the sun has come out, the clouds have departed and I can breathe again.
This brings me back to the title. I am single. I am loving being single. I spent too many years in my twenties feeling the pangs of being dateless. I analyzed what could possibly be holding me back. Was I pretty enough? Did I talk too much? Was I too faithless so my prayers weren't listened to? All of this eroded my self-esteem and I started to actually believe all the bullshit I told myself. Today I can look at myself honestly and fairly. I can be critical, talk too much and question every last thing, but I'm rather funny and a good listener. I can look in the mirror and truly believe that "I look cute today." I really am starting to like myself. The more I like myself, the less desire I have to be married or have children. This is where my current dilemma has hit. I grew up in a religion that focuses on family. The family is central and what we should all be striving for. I believe in family. I love my own family. They are the world to me. I know the family unit is so important in our society... and yet, I don't feel the pang for it like I once did. I go to church and people talk of their desire to start their own family. Friends tell me "I wish you could find the right guy." Some friends even talk to me about their own discouragement that marriage hasn't happened yet. I hear my lonely friends and I empathize with their plight, but sigh with relief that it's not me. Then my already over-analyzing brain goes in to overdrive. Am I fooling myself? Is this a way to protect myself from feeling the pangs of loneliness?
The sting hits sometimes, like the night I listened to Regina Spektor sing "Samson." I thought of how lovely it would be to hold hands with a fine fellow who loves me, listening to beautiful music. But the thought left as quickly as it came. I am open to this marriage idea. I would never turn away a handsome, funny, kind and loving man. I also know I will be okay if I don't. I have started dreaming again. I love my dreams.
But I don't know how they fit with the the notion of family... my own family. I don't want reassurances that it will all work out and I'm not soliciting comments for "you go girl, be happy being single." I'm trying to verbalize all these thoughts that go through my head. I'm trying to balance religious beliefs with current feelings. Can I truly be happy being single? Am I being selfish? Am I protecting myself?
I don't know. Time will tell. I do know that I never want to let go of how I feel now. I love that my smiles are genuine again. Laughing has never felt so good. I love myself, now that's something to brag about.
