what i'm looking for

Today I had my very first date since moving back to Utah. I've heard that there are a plethora of eligible young men in my vicinity eager to date, apparently not to date me. My bad luck could be due to spending most of my time with married folks with little single networking or perhaps I am just a hideous beast. I'd like to believe it's the former but only time will tell.

Anyway, to fully appreciate my situation I think it is time to come out of the closet to my readers. No, I'm not an expletive dyke, as a client called me today, I'm a (gasp) online dater. Last year I joined LDSLinkup. It's really like marijuana of the online dating world. You get coaxed in to it by the sell that "It's a networking site. Married people are on it too. You don't have to use it to date." I've not only heard this but I've said it in a vain attempt to feel better about my choice. However, I believe that all single people, and perhaps some not so single people, have perused that site looking for a potential date. I have to admit that two good things have come out of it... Ange and David. After some time being on the link, I decided to start phasing myself out of it. I was on the verge of pulling my profile when my married friends came up with a "bright" idea. They not only thought I should stay on it but I should take the online thing further. Their stance was that this form of dating had become more and more accepted. They believed that plenty of normal people were on such sites and that if they were single it would be the way to go. My "favourite" thing about married people is that they can say what they would do if they were single but with an automatic by because they're currently attached. My true favourite thing about my friends is that they always have my best interest at heart. So, as time wore on I started to open my mind. Suddenly that heroine didn't seem so dangerous. What harm could it really do? I acquiesced and signed on to a dating site for one month.

The first "flirt" I received was from a 55 year old man. If I thought it appealing to date my dad, he might have stood a chance. I brushed it off and pushed on. I still wasn't really in to it but saw first hand success with friends. After a few emails from one young fellow, I finally caved and gave my number. I wasn't too stoked but again, I was working on my closed mindedness. The phone call was slightly awkward but I wondered if I was just trying to find something wrong. Apparently I'm picky which is confusing to me, as it's hard to be picky when there's nothing to choose from! Going back to the date... the first red flag was when the date revolved around just a movie. The second red flag was that it was at the dollar theatre. The third red flag was telling me I was cute. I typically take this as a compliment but when you've never met in person and have only talked for mere minutes, it makes for a most uncomfortable moment. I decided we needed to change the location. Dinner and movie is fine but just a movie is the most ridiculous way to get to know someone. The location was changed to Jamba Juices. I was tied up at work and at 5 minutes past the hour, he called to see if I was on my way. I thought I had at least a 10 minute window to be late but maybe he was just anxious. {For the record, I hate being late}

As we stood in line to get juice, I pondered how I got myself in to this. I'm working on being a nicer person (plus I was admonished by my father) and my blog is more to mock myself, so I won't go in to all the gory details. Bottom line is that it was awkward, I wasn't always sure how much he was listening and well, he had warts on his hand. He was nice but I have some ideas regarding social hierarchies. Theoretically I am appalled by such a thought, but realistically, we are in different castes. He asked if we could go out again and my instinct was to do the "um, well, okay" and never return his call. However, after the ministry airplane ride, I decided to buck up. I gently told him that I didn't think we had much in common and were in different places in our lives. The honesty felt good, the look in his eyes felt bad. This was my first taste with the hard drugs and I'm starting to think I need to quit all of them... even pot. Perhaps I need to give meth a try or even ecstasy but I think I may be a drug-free kind of kid.

I'm not judging online dating. I know a handful of people that have had success with it. I'm just not convinced I will be one of them. I can't fully embrace the idea and thus it clouds my experiences. As I close this post, my embarrassment dwindles. So few secrets left for my blog... Sometimes coming out of the closet is the best way to truly accept oneself. {Holds breath as she hits Publish Post}