Marriage has been on the brain as of late... not by choice but by circumstance. I have sat through approximately 3 hours of discussion on the topic at church. I've come away with all sorts of "insights". One lesson, when discussing how single women can prepare themselves emotionally and spiritually for marriage, one woman proclaimed that we should all be drinking more milk to prepare our bodies for pregnancy. Yeah, for a non-lover of milk, except for the chocolate variety, I think I'll just keep eating my broccoli. That comment just about put me over the edge for gut-busting laughter... thank goodness for clapping one's hand over one's mouth!
However, all this talk on marriage reminded me of a paper I had to write in my master's program, in marriage and family therapy, about the qualities of a successful and enduring marriage. It required theoretical research, as well as interviewing a married couple. It was very enlightening for me as I interviewed Ted and Diana, a couple who had been married for over thirty years. It's been over two years since reading that paper, but upon doing so, I found some quotes that nicely articulated the subject of marriage. Also, for a good read on this matter, I suggest you check out my 'marvelous' friend, David's, blog.
Ted said "We come to a marriage with unlimited potential, but initially we are handicapped by our own nature. In our emerging adulthood, free from the draconian influences of parents, we have taken great pleasure in developing our personal autonomy of selfish interests. Now we must somehow integrate that independence in a compatible way with someone who is constantly breathing our oxygen and inhabiting our space. This can be a glorious sharing or a begrudging treaty hammered out one hard fought clause after another. In attempting to understand this complex creature with whom we now share unspeakable intimacies, we must learn nuances and subtleties that seem to change on a daily basis. That can be rewarding and exasperating. And this is only the start, when only two personalities are vying for their place in the family hierarchy. These are the easy years when love and novelty should overcome any challenges. Children really mix things up. Now it is not just our own egos we must protect, but there are more ongoing deliberations as two individuals try to be one in raising those precocious little souls, who oddly, becoming trying teenagers." A theme that I found over and over when counseling with unhappy married couples, was one's lack of patience with the other's differences. As Ted said, it is learning your partner's nuances, and integrating your differences.
Diana's advice was more to the point, but just as thoughtful. She said "Friendship is key. Passion, etc is all very important, but it's more important to be good friends and really care about the other person as they are and not what your idealized view of a perfect partner might be. Be unselfish. Be prepared to make sacrifices to support your partner in his goals and aspirations. Don't loose sight of who you are and your own unique goals and aspirations. Be friends with the people your partner values and loves. Have fun together." Selflessness is key in a relationship, but taken to the extreme can also be problematic. I have seen many women in therapy who struggled to answer "What are your interests?" I believe, like Diana, that successful relationships are built on a balance of selfless care and concern for your partner, as well as developing your own talents and interests.
As August 22nd approaches, Ted and Diana will have been married for 37 years. I have only witnessed 27 of those years, but continue to hold their relationship as my standard for marriage. I'm sure they have endured rough patches along the way, but there is a mutual respect and commitment to each other and their family that transcends all of that.
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!
***The inscription on the back of the above photo says "June 1986. To Dad, I love you..... Love from your daughter Aislinn. P.S. You're a lucky man to marry Mom." I was wise beyond my seven years.***
4 comments:
That is one stylish family. I am currently listening to the grandaughter of Ted and Diana sing into her Fisher Price microphone a song that goes something like, "Hi Grandma, Hi Hi Hi Grandma. Singing songs. Here are socks and ponies." It's quite the little ditty.
Thanks for this ongoing marriage discourse, I'm enjoying it quite a lotworlds. Personally, I agree with it all. I can't see how so many people, men especially, lack that desire to sacrifice their pride and goals for the sake of their wives.
I think I personally struggle with seeing people and actually "[caring] about the other person as they are and not what your idealized view of a perfect partner might be." Meaning, hoping for a certain unidentified and most likely nonexistant match for myself and yet not preparing as much as I probably should for polar bears jumping off a ridge when I'm in Alaska and the thought running through my mind, "Am I ready to fight the bear to the death with my mind, or shoulders, to protect my wife's dignity?"
Ok, you get the idea... maybe?
yes, yes, fight to the death tod. you'll be considered a hero to go up against one of the most ferocious animals in the wild kingdom (except for maybe hippo's).
i really do think it is a learning curve, and we all are going at our own rate. despite the difficulties, i believe marriage is a worthwile goal... one i have yet to fulfill.
Thanks.
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