men are from mars and who cares about women?

Since discovering blogging I've lurked on quite a few feminist sites. Typically I use my blog for nonsense. However, there have been several no-nonsense things on my mind, one of which is my complete annoyance with home product advertising. In the USA approximately 60% of women are in the workforce, only 14% less than men (making about 76 cents on a man's dollar). Yet, how often do we see commercials with a man enjoying a new mop or discovering the convenience of a flushable toilet scrubber? One of the most offensive ads I saw was this revolutionary vacuum that was quiet and easy to use. The husband and child slept on the couch while the wife vacuumed. The perfect picture to showcase the silence of the machine. When this dutiful wife finished her "chores" she was able to meet the rest of her family who were already enjoying themselves at the beach. It would be refreshing to see commercials featuring men, and not the inept stereotypes, doing housework.

But the topic I wish to discuss is John Gray's so-called self help book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". This book has been a thorn in my side for years. I hear people recommending it, blogs espousing its "greatness" and hear it thrown around in common vernacular. Pop psychology can be entertaining even for a budding therapist. I've been known to tell people that I'm a Red-Yellow and my mantra last year was "he's just not that into you." However, Mr. Gray's book perpetuates gender stereotypes, promotes power differentials, has no empirical basis, and absolutely infuriates me. I read an article in my master's program and was able to locate the article online. It takes 15 minutes of your time but is well worth it. Gray's book was analyzed by three women, yes women, but the book speaks for itself.

The authors of the article note that Gray "paints a picture in which women have high needs (even desperation) to communicate with male partners who would prefer to talk very little or not at all. Men communicate with coworkers and women they are dating because these conversations are goal driven." Gray also paints women as good listeners, but men as insensitive and incompetent listeners. Gray's book gives disproportionate amounts of advice to women compared to men. To ensure women really understand how to support their partners, Gray takes the time to dispense advice over two pages. However, he feels men only need two short paragraphs to fully understand how to support the women in their lives.

Zimmerman et al., go on to say that " Gray's basic thesis-that men and women are instinctively different in all areas of life-and his recommendations for dealing with these differences serve to reinforce and encourage power differentials between men and women, thereby eroding the possibility of deep friendship and sustained intimacy in their relationships. ... [T]his position is counter to a growing body of research that underscores the importance of shared power for achieving an intimate and effective relationship (e.g., Gottman & Silver, 1999; Rabin, 1996; Steil, 1997)." Gottman, one of the researchers quoted, is an eminent researcher in Marriage and Family Therapy, recently featured in the fascinating book, Blink. He was also the first theorist I was introduced to in my studies.

The authors conclude that "Gray (1992, 1994) describes women as plagued by problems, overwhelmed with negative emotions, desperate for conversation and emotional connection, inefficient, emotionally unstable, illogical, insecure, and passive. Gray's (1992, 1994) materials also portray men in a negative light... as insensitive and emotionally inept... manipulative and primarily motivated by self-interest."

This has been a New York bestseller and is touted as "the classic guide to understanding the opposite sex." To me, it's the classic guide to perpetuating gender stereotypes. It promotes women to be passive and to put men's needs above their own, while giving little credence to men's sensitivity and motives. The book spends disproportionate amounts of time devoted to understanding men, although men are apparently simpler beings. As tempting as it is to use several puns to include our favourite planet, Uranus, I'll refrain. I believe that men and women are from earth, and this book should be sent to outerspace never to return.