I went to a women's dinner social tonight for my church congregation. I was at a table with a bunch of strangers and we were all doing the small talk thing. They were all a little too boring for my liking but I'm trying to get to know people. This beautiful blonde was across the table from me. She just moved from Nebraska in hopes to find more dating prospects. When it was her turn to dish her bio she talked about her double major degree she had just received. She wasn't sure if she was going to do more school, probably not a masters, but something that if her husband got sick or something she would be trained in a job. Her first degree was one of those liberal arts that doesn't get you a job.
Ack... cough... sigh...
This phrase has bothered me for so long that I can't remember when it started. It's not that I am opposed to women staying at home, in fact most of the women I admire did just that. It's actually a bit of a relief not to be confronted with that decision of work or stay home but anyway, back to sweet Nebraskan. I smiled and nodded but what I really wanted to say was:
What if you don't get ever get married??? (This is an unlikely scenario for this bombshell as the Provo boys will snap her up in an instance, but still). What if you find staying at home just doesn't float your boat and even though your husband is raking in six figures a year, you'd like to do a little work out of the house? Or what if he's perfectly healthy but you really need the second income to stay afloat? What about pursuing what you love regardless of the hypothetical future? Why does it have to come down to your husband? What about YOU?
I know I am heavily biased on this but I just hate, hate, hate that phrase. I suppose if that is how they really feel than they shouldn't have to censor for my easily agitated feminism. There are these really talented, amazing women who just bide their time. They don't pursue the non-husband and family dreams because of the fear that the husband and family dream won't come true if they do. My take has always been to do what I want at the time. If I had done the "work at a job I'm indifferent about because I'll quit when I marry and have kids" I'd be a morose 28 year old. Maybe I'm the naive one but I'd like to think I'm not, and I'm genetically predisposed to think I'm always right.
(Medial Thomas, I hope that was "womany" enough for you. And for a good laugh, check out the rest of Anne Taintors collection)
17 comments:
ha ha ha. lucky for you for landing a red deer bombshell... (or would that be "red deerian"?)
i'm still thinking of the best way to showcase my killer costa rica shirt.
So true, Aisy. So true. As much as I respect and love a certain organization for younger women in our church, I feel we get a little brainwashed. They tell us, 'get an education and get married in the temple'. Great advice, of course, but no one tells you to actually focus on a career in case you're, well, over 25 and single. That's when your BA in some liberal arts hoo-ha, which was interesting and fabulous, fails to come through and you find yourself where you really don't want to be. Ahem. A little too close to home? So now I've become the 'Choose a Career' nazi in hopes of rescuing other young women from a similar fate.
But when all's said and done, I suppose we do the best with what we have while we can, right?
That girl sounds terrible. You should get me her number so I can call her and give her what for. Maybe I should come down there and take care of this.
I agree MN, I think it is the earlier organization that starts clouding girls minds. Last year I was asked to speak at the Stake YW meeting about being a single woman in the church. I was pleasantly surprised to discover all the adult speakers at the event were all women who either were not married or else were married when they were around 30. While the teen girls spoke of how they knew that if they followed the teachings they would be happy and find a righteous man to marry and yada yada yada...the adults all talked about the need to follow your own path and not to put your own life on hold for the possibility of the "ideal" life. We also pointed out that it is not a causal relationship between being righteous and getting married.
But some of this isn't even found within the church. My freshman roommate in college really wanted to get married. She even chose our university over a state school because she figured there would be better odds of finding a smart guy. Needless to say, she didn't get married while in school. Good thing too, because her parents would have required she pay them back the $20,000/year they forked over to the university.
Just deleted a few comments that were the result of a bad week. Sorry to those who had the misfortune of reading.
Did you consider that this "blonde bombshell" is really a "black widow'. Maybe she is certain that her future husband will fall ill. Maybe you got her all wrong. Just a thought.
after a brief exchange with someone i admire (see note in post) i wanted to clear up what my intentions of this post is. it's really not my desire to pit women against each other in the battle of staying at home or working. my concern is more in line with what MN said, in that i suffered for a time in my early twenties with having my self-esteem mixed in to my singleness. it went something like this...
i'm still single therefore there must be something wrong with me. maybe i'm not pretty enough, funny enough, sexy enough or smart enough.
i worked through most of it, but it does still bubble up, more often than i would like it to. the point i'm trying to make is that we really need to identify our worth based on who we are. do what you love, find your talents. and if you want marriage and kids, still hope and dream for it but don't hold yourself back from continuing to build your talents in fear of the marriage train passing you by. i think this goes for men and women. it's just more socially pushed (not even in the lds church) for men to do just that.
i loved the young women's program growing up, and i still do. they teach us important values and it truly is where i gained a testimony. i think this idea of your worth/righteousness being directly related to getting married is more of a cultural belief in the LDS church than doctrinal. i don't think we can point our finger at just one program for where this cultural idea resides. i'm glad your stake mcollie recognizes the needs and value of all different women and brought that to the attention of the young women.
I live up the road a spell and we see the same things around here. My wife has a "best friend" who seems to have put a lot of faith (no pun intended) into landing a husband and being a dutiful wife. Not saying there is anything inherently wrong with that role, but should landing a husband and cranking out kids be a goal?
This best friend is on her 2nd or 3rd husband seeking domestic nirvana. Every time my wife mentions here friend I have to laugh because this woman is usually too busy to chat and has never even met me, even though we live in the same city and we've been married for 3 1/2 years now.
I've seen Amish women with less emphasis on rasing a family!
I think we all need to re-define what being happy and successful is....
i knew i didn't like that girl as soon as you mentioned she was from nebraska.
but yes aislinn. i too, like most of your constituency will blow smoke up your bum.
no really, i coulndn't agree more with your strategy, and your outlook.
i think its the most realistic, and rewarding
thank you mr p... it's really what keeps me afloat somedays. i guess since i don't have my own kids to tend, i get paid to tend someone elses (at least that's what it has felt like this week!)
face-i appreciate your comments too. i think we all need to define what happiness is for each of us, and seek after that.
thanks for your thoughts... and i really like that quote.
You know who the Future Trophy Wives Club should really be full of? Plain looking nerd types who are self confident and funny with their own natural nails, skin and hair colour. You know - the type who have way better things to do than join some lame club glorifying their own desparation and lack of self-fulfilment.
this is the very reason I am debating going back to a family ward. to open some minds.
I stumbled upon your blog, I hope you don't mind my comment.
I agree it shouldn't be about staying at home vs. working; but neither should it be about working at all. One's purpose, talents, missions, etc. should be independent of circumstance. I personally do not love my work, I don't think that my employment will bring me any lasting fulfillment. I like my coworkers, I think I'm learning a lot, but frankly I want to do something greater. What that is, I don't know, but it may or may not be in the form of a family, humanitarian work, or even just my personal influence with friends and family.
I guess my point is, if it's not about staying at home vs. working, then neither should be glamorized as something supremely fulfilling. It's something bigger, something brighter.
thanks for your comment. it's given me something more to think about... i like your point of doing something supremely fulfilling. that's the stuff that takes a lot of meditating on my own talents and how they can best be used.
hmmmm, if more girls in the wards were like you aisy or MJ over at TeamRedBlog, then I would consider dating a girl in the church again. But unfortunately, most seem to be like Nebraska and the last thing I want is some trophy that wants me for my man juice to make her happy with babies and to not offer me some intelligent debate.
i guess i run with gals that think a lot like me, so i may be more bias to them existing in the church.
could it also be that beer in your hand holding you back from dating lds women ;) thanks for stopping by and your comment.
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